I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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