Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
ttyl tear gas
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
