i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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