Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
