He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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