At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize