i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
