I should be sponsored by Trojan
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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