I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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