And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
