All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
