What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
