I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
