like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
