Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
