Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
