Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
