How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
