I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
