If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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