Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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