she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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