Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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