I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
