The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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