Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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