Michael Bay diarrhea
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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