i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
