Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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