got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
