I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
