I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize