you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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