my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
