So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
