I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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