my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
