if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
