Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize