i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
