ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
