Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
