I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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