Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
bring money and cleavage
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
