My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He better not be in your backpack
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
