What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
