Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
