Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
barbara walters just said penis...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
