i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize