I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
