Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize