I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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