I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
