I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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