I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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