Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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