And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
