apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
