I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
