So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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