I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dicks are not precious.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
